Today’s blog topic: What are you afraid of? Why aren’t you giving 100%? What is holding you back?
I’ve been trying to figure this out for quite a while myself, and little by little, pieces of this puzzle are starting to fit together.
I’ve been afraid of being my true self and giving my all because of one single (but life-altering) traumatic event in my recent past that burned me pretty badly. I was putting everything I had into someone, thinking it was the real deal and thinking it was meant to be.
What did I end up with? The realization that I was just being used, abused, manipulated, exploited, taken advantage of and mentally and emotionally tortured by the person who I thought loved me.
After that realization came the hardest part: the emotional pain and post traumatic stress that has tormented me for almost two years now.
I am afraid of giving 100% now because I don’t want to be taken advantage of like that again.
I’m afraid of putting in the hard work and effort and not getting what I want in the end. I don’t want to go through the pain and the sacrifices for nothing. I want to be absolutely sure that when I do something that comes from the bottom of my soul, with all my blood, sweat and tears, I get my reward in the end. I get what I truly deserve and I don’t get fucked over.
The hardest part about making the choice to make the sacrifices needed to reach whatever goals you are trying to attain, is that it’s not always guaranteed you’ll get what you were hoping for at the time you were hoping for it. There’s a lot of evil in this world, just waiting to trip you up and bring you down. If you aren’t aware of evil and you think the world is all sunshine and rainbows, then at some point you are going to have to learn the hard way. Especially if you don’t think it will happen to you.
If evilness comes to you, and you haven’t learned yet how to shield yourself from it, you will. It will most likely start happening right after that event brings you down. After the evil event happened to me, I kept meeting more and more people who kept doing shitty things to me. I thought there was something wrong with me – like I was a magnet for mean people – Ha! I struggled for what seemed like the longest time, thinking to myself, “What did I do to deserve all of this? I gave 100% and just went through one of the most traumatic events of my life, so why do I keep getting hit with more of this bullshit? Haven’t I had enough?”
What I didn’t realize, while I was going through it, was that all the shitty things that happened after this event were just exercises. Exercises that forced me to practice setting healthy boundaries. Exercises that challenged my strength and willpower. Exercises that helped me learn how to shield and defend myself. Exercises that helped me learn how to spot a manipulator.
All of these exercises have been leading up to my big test, which I believe is what I’m in right now.
My big test is to see if I’ve learned my lesson yet.
Even though the evil event that happened was one of hardest things I’ve ever had to get through, I’m actually grateful that it happened. Why!? Because it taught me how to deal with life better.
How to be better at business. How to be more careful in who you trust. How to work smarter. How to learn healthy boundaries. How to be more compassionate towards people who are going through their own traumas. How to respect yourself. And best of all, it taught me how much strength I didn’t know I had in me to be able to pull myself out of hell, get back on my feet, and keep pushing forward. And with all of that, I gained confidence. And having confidence in yourself is AWESOME!
Confidence is the reward you get when you got through something you initially thought you couldn’t. Confidence fuels empowerment. And when you feel confident and empowered, anything is possible!
So, now that I understand why all of this happened, I should be able to push forward. I didn’t get what I hoped for at the time, because it simply wasn’t my time for that. That time period was for a lesson. And the lesson wasn’t that you shouldn’t give 100%.
It was a lesson that taught me how to stand up for myself, defend myself and respect myself, because I deserve to be respected!
Not only that, it taught me that I’m stronger and more confident than I realized. I needed to learn the lesson at the time that I learned it because right around the corner came the bigger challenge: Entrepreneurship.
If I didn’t gain that knowledge when I did, I may have already quit my endeavors by now. BUT I believe in myself and I have somehow learned how to have faith along the way, so those two things alone are all I need to get back on my horse and bust on through this hell I’ve been in!
I believe that something better is coming for me. People who treated me shitty in the past are just people who didn’t deserve me. They took advantage of a loving, good heart and tried to bring me down just to make themselves feel better. Just to fill a void in the emptiness of their own souls.
So I hope you give yourself permission to believe in yourself. Don’t doubt yourself or your intuition. Have faith that if you look for the lesson and just keep putting in your very best efforts towards the bigger picture of what you are trying to accomplish, you will eventually get there.
Yep, it will probably be painful but making it through the pain and coming out on the other side means you made it out alive! You’re still here! You were strong enough to endure that pain.
How do you feel now? Confident? Good. Onto the next challenge. Let’s see what you’re truly made of. 😉