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If you've read any of my last posts, you know that I've been working through some very tough-to-swallow life lessons over the past couple of years. Although they've been very painful to work through, I am proud to say that I think I finally understand most of them, have learned from them and have developed myself into a much stronger and wiser woman!
I believe that life has been throwing me some of my final tests over the past 2 weeks to check and see if I've learned how to respect myself by cutting off the drama around me. And I gotta say, I've been passing each one with flying colors! 🙂
I now know what red flags to look for and how to cut someone or something off that is disturbing to my inner peace.
Wanna know what they were and how I handled them? Keep reading...
1. Cutting Out the Dating Drama
In 2012, I ended a toxic and abusive relationship I had been in for about a year and a half. Six months after that ended, I decided to start dating again, just to have some fun and to take my mind off of the breakup. This new guy, [we'll call him "Chris"] ended up bringing a lot of the same bullshit to our relationship as the previous relationship had.
[Chris] was very disrespectful of me and my time on a handful of occasions, plus he seemed to be playing a lot of head games with me, which naturally put a lot of added stress on me. I wanted to be respected and I wanted a healthier relationship, so I ended things with him within the first month.
A few months later, right after I quit my 9-5 job to start my own design business, he popped up in my life again, asking me if I could help him with some graphic design work. Since I need the money, and wanted to build my portfolio, I decided to bite the bullet and accepted the work.
Again, he treated me and my time with such disrespect that I ended up really upset. I didn't want to talk to him anymore after that project but a couple weeks later he invited me down to Costa Rica on an all-expenses paid business trip.
Again, I needed the money, plus the deal was just too good to pass up, so I went (umm, life is short!?!)
While we were down there, more drama and head games were played and again, I found myself feeling upset.
Is there a pattern forming here?
When we came back to San Diego, I told him I wasn't interested in him and nothing more was going to happen between us. He was upset, but yet he continued to text me randomly over the course of the year... you know, just to "check in" with me to see how I was doing and to ask me over and over again if I would forgive him, blah blah blah.
I usually responded to him, just to be nice, until this last time a couple weeks ago. He texted me one Saturday morning, "Hey stranger, what's up?" to which I decided to not even reply.
I heard from my female friend, shortly after, that he tried to get together with her and that he told her I was "a bitch" for not responding to him. HAHA.
Looks like I finally made the right decision to let that one go. I respect myself enough now to NOT deal with that kind of childish behavior.
2) Cutting Out the Business Drama
There was another guy [we'll call this one "Jim"] who I started hanging out with right after my Costa Rica trip with "Chris." He had just moved to San Diego and needed some help building up his massage therapy business, and he mentioned he could use a website.
We spoke numerous times about bartering our services, because at the time, I REALLY needed some massage therapy done. So what did I decide to do to get the ball rolling? I surprised him one day with a bomb-ass website (if I don't say so myself) that I worked quite hard on. I also went ahead and set up a bunch of social media marketing accounts for him to help him build his online presence. It all ended up being around $1,000-$1,500 worth of work.
You know what he told me in response to all the work I did for him? That he didn't really need a website.
Regardless, he did end up "repaying" me by giving me maybe 3-4 hour-long massages spread out over the next 6 months. Probably not more than $300 worth. So you know, that was fair.
He also disrespected me and my time numerous times, played head games with me (like, are we dating or not dating?) and put me down publicly in front of my friends one night when he invited himself out to dinner with us.
I decided after all of that, he was no longer worth my time and energy, so I cut him off.
Six months later (just last week) I got a text from him telling me his website went down because he didn't renew the hosting and he wanted to get the files from me to restore it. Well, I took one look at that text and thought to myself, "Hmm, that's weird, I thought you said you didn't need a website? Not to mention, I'm pretty sure I don't owe you anything... you're the one that owes me!"
I didn't feel like getting into the drama of it all with him, so I just ended up ignoring the text... I knew he just wasn't worth spending any more of my time and energy on. He probably wouldn't even understand what I was telling him anyways.
He continued to text me every couple of hours for the next two days (like a psycho) and then tried calling me. He kept asking me, "Wow, so you're really not going to help me? WTF did I do??" To which I just thought "That's just it, it's more like what you didn't do."
Figure out the puzzle on your own, dude. I'm out.
I had been done with his drama for a while and so this whole episode of him freaking out was the karma I was waiting for. 🙂
REMOVE YOURSELF FROM AND IGNORE THE DRAMA!
Gratitude, appreciation, and giving something of equal value would have been the lesson to be learned here. Not just taking, taking, taking and then getting pissed when there was no more left to take. Don't dig your own grave and then get mad that you can't get yourself out.
3) Cutting Out the Roommate Drama
A little over 2 months ago, I had to move out of my place because the condo I was living in was being put on the market to sell. I wanted to get a place of my own but I figured I'd just get a place with a roommate for the next year and try to save some money.
I searched and searched online for months, looking for the perfect place and a good, clean roommate. I finally found a spot and moved in June 1. My roommate seemed cool at first, but as I got to know him a little more, I realized something just felt "off."
He was obsessively clean and couldn't stand anything out of place. He would constantly tell me the things I did that bothered him when we were at home together, but then he started texting me while I was out (working my ass off, mind you) just to let me know I did something wrong. "Wrong" being something like him finding a speck of dirt on the carpet by the door from my sneakers, or leaving one little dirty dish in the sink for a couple hours in the morning because I was in a rush (which I did only twice since I moved in.)
Anytime I'd have something amazing happening in my life, and I told him about it, he wouldn't even acknowledge it. Instead, he would turn the topic to be about him and tell me something awesome he did (which usually was nothing to brag about, in my personal opinion.) It was like he was trying to compete with me.
He had his girlfriend over multiple times a week, so much so she practically lived there. On the weekends, he'd invite friends over and they would drink, do drugs and be loud right outside my door while I was trying to work quietly or even sleep in my room.
One specific night, while I was locked away in my room, he had some people over, including his girlfriend. They were all drinking and being loud and obnoxious as usual, but something happened at the end of the night that sent up another red flag in my mind.
As soon as the "friends" left, I heard his girlfriend instantly break down crying saying "You always make me feel bad about myself in front of other people!" To which he didn't reply. He just went into the kitchen and started washing dishes, and she ran into his room and shut the door, sobbing. I just thought to myself, "Wow, that is a sure sign that something is just not right with this guy."
He loves talking about himself, and he always knows what's "best" or has the "best" hookups, etc., etc. The way he talks, with his chest all puffed out, is with such a grandiose arrogance, it actually makes me sick to my stomach to listen to him.
But it's also sometimes hilarious, like the other day, he told me he considers himself to be 95% empathetic. I almost choked on my sandwich and had to have him repeat that statement, just to make sure I heard him right. HAHA. Yeah right. He doesn't care about anyone else but himself. Clearly.
We made an agreement a couple weeks ago (which was actually in one of my previous blog posts) that if he feels the need to criticize me about anything, he first needs to tell me something he appreciates about me. I work very hard to keep the common areas extra super shiny clean for him but have only been told "thank you" once.
He makes me feel like everything I do is wrong or not good enough, so I figured the way to stop that is by getting him to agree, in writing, that he cannot criticize me without praising me first. This solution worked for about 2 weeks (he actually didn't tell me anything positive but also didn't tell me anything negative,) until this past weekend. Out of the blue he texted me that we need to have a talk because I left a dirty dish in the sink and "that's gross." Apparently it also means I disrespect his stuff and I don't treat or care for our apartment like a "home."
What the F!?!?
I was pissed.
I started to sense what was up and decided to calmly respond to him "I'll work harder on that. Do I do anything right???" (just to play with him a little.) He replied minutes later (probably because he had to think about it for a while) "You are kind and peaceful."
Then what the F are you complaining about, dude?
Then he told me we need to set a time to have a talk, so I told him I'd be home that afternoon if he was going to be home. He told me he was going to be out all day.
Ok, whatever. Guess it's not that important. Ha.
He came home around 6pm that day with a bunch of random people who were all ridiculously drunk. I was in a rush (as usual, because I bust my butt getting ahead in pretty much every moment of every day) but all the drunk people seemed to want me to stop and talk to me. I chatted for a minute just to be nice, then walked away from them and into the kitchen to grab something.
My roommate walked over to me, acting like nothing was wrong, and started telling me a story about how he did this "awesome play at disc golf today and everyone was in such awe of him." I responded with a sarcastic "Coooool," then turned and walked right out the front door.
I haven't seen him in almost 3 days now and he has left the apartment a mess, with dirty dishes all over the kitchen and the living room and bathroom is basically a pig stye. We also haven't had our "talk" yet so I think he's trying to "punish" me somehow, because this is unlike him to leave anything a mess longer than 5 minutes. Ha.
But in all honesty, the joke is on him, because none of this actually really bothers me. I have already been through the head games with drama queens (and they were all guys, go figure!) in my past so I'm pretty familiar with the drill.
As I thought about what our "talk" would entail, I realized that he's probably just going to try to control and manipulate me into doing what he wants. BUT I realized that I am doing the very best I can with everything I've got going on right now and really have no desire to put in any more energy into such trivial things. I'm clean but I'm not OCD clean and I never will be. Period.
Whatever he has to say to me is honestly a waste of his breath and a waste of my time. So then I had to make the tough decision of staying or moving out of this place, especially since I just moved in 2.5 months ago. If I stay here, I will continue to feel like I'm always walking on eggshells and nothing I do will ever be good enough.
Unnecessary stress and drama will be added to my life and frankly, I just can't afford that (nor do I truly want that.) So even though it will be hard doing the moving process again, I believe it will be worth it because I will be less stressed out dealing with toxic people in the big picture.
My personal health and wellness are always my #1 priority.
So, I came to the conclusion, that the talk we are going to have will be on my terms and I will be telling him that he can find a new roommate because I'm outta here in 30 days or less. That is, whenever he decides to man up and face me. I can't wait to see his reaction.
I'll keep you all posted!
Lesson Learned: What you allow will continue. If anyone repeatedly brings unnecessary drama or stress into your life, do yourself a favor and cut them right off.* You will find everything naturally becomes much more peaceful!
* Spiritual Tip: Make sure you accept what is and make peace with the situation before you let go of certain people in your life. Then release them WITH LOVE so you don't have to continue repeating these kinds of situations over and over again, with different teachers. Never hold on to anger and resentment... it's poisonous to your soul. The universe is presenting these situations to you to teach you how to have more love and compassion, for both yourself as well as others. "Toxic" people just need to heal... just as you need to heal. Give gratitude to the universe for showing you this, because how else were you going to be able to SEE the areas of your life that needed to be shifted? Take these situations as lessons learned and grow from them, so that you can create more peace, love and happiness in your life. And so it is.
Sending you love and light,